Crisis Times Require
Crisis Planning
In these economic
times you have to do everything you can to protect every dollar you have
left. When a loved one develops chronic illness such as Alzheimer’s,
Parkinson’s, or stroke, the emotional and financial costs to the
individual and family can be catastrophic. Qualifying for Medicaid, VA
and other government benefits becomes necessary when middle class
families face nursing home bills from $6,000-10,000 plus per month. My
office helps families stricken with chronic illness and disabilities
manage situations considered unmanageable.
We have to think more strategically in order to work through the crisis
to make the very best use of our assets and find additional resources to
help defray the long term care costs. VA benefits for veterans and
surviving spouses of deceased veterans can be financial lifesavers where
appropriate. Most veterans and surviving spouses of deceased veterans
are totally unaware of benefits available, particularly pension. We can
integrate our planning for immediate VA benefits followed by Medicaid
when needed. Careful planning allows the family to develop and maintain
a sense of direction so that we can manage our way through difficult
times rather than worry our way through them.
For many years I have welcomed the opportunity to help families deal
effectively with the potentially devastating loss that comes with
disability and chronic illness by turning that loss potential into an
effective plan for the best care possible, peace of mind and protection
of their hard-earned life savings. Even with recent law changes we are
most often able to save nearly all assets for a married person and at
least half for a single person. I look forward to the opportunity to
continue this work with you.
Nancy Teten of University of South Florida
Alzheimer’s Center shared thoughts and ideas on caregiver guilt, anger
and resentment at a recent seminar.
Passing along some of her tips,
and other ideas I’ve learned from the Bob DeMarco site at
www.Alzheimersreadingroom.com:
YOU, the caregiver, are now the
patient’s BRAIN. Right or wrong you become the brain for the patient as
long as they live. That doesn’t mean you do every single thing for the
patient. Let them do what they can, as long as they can. If you take
over completely, remember they cannot relearn to do something you are
now doing for them. They will be much happier if they can continue
doing some remembered tasks. Focusing on what they can do, take over
what they can no longer do. In this way you respect their capabilities
and feelings.
Your own feelings impact the
person you are caring for. They can sense when you are angry with them,
especially when they hear a false sweetness in your tone. They
interpret the expression in your face and your emotions and they mirror
what you have become because that’s how they see you. Then they become
intractable and stubborn---even more difficult to assist. Try to manage
your facial expression and emotions to avoid such behavior.
Your face can reveal any
unresolved conflicts with this person that could come back to haunt
you. Or, you might remind the patient of a person they like, or maybe
don’t like. If you can discern this, take some action to resolve it.
Take care of yourself, or you
cannot take care of your loved one. Schedule some relaxing time, let a
family member or friend step in and give you a few hours to get away.
Do one thing nice for yourself every day. You are not the only one
capable of dealing with the patient. When you are not rested and at the
top of your abilities, you may become depressed, and complicate the
situation. Guilt and anger follow from the sense that you are not
“doing enough” because your mother or father fails to respond to your
loving care and get better. Always remember, you cannot change the
progression of this disease.
Appreciation and encouragement
from family and friends helps far beyond what they realize; but as time
goes on, your resentment grows as they may unconsciously abandon you.
It is so easy to lose your own life, so make an effort to stay
connected. Get out and do normal things with friends and family.
Consider another big source of
guilt: your loved one says to you, “promise me you will never put me
in a nursing home.” I have heard a client’s son or daughter tell me
they made such a promise and now they cannot care for the parent. This
guilt must be resolved and reality must be faced when twenty-four hours
a day, seven days a week nursing care becomes necessary. Some can
manage such a schedule for a short time, but for long term care it
becomes a burden beyond expectation. Then the caregiver often
predeceases the patient. When the patient has long forgotten even your
name, you must look at the level of expectation you have of yourself and
modify those expectations.
Accept yourself and your
limitations. Maybe you did not make the best decisions sometime
during the day....maybe you didn’t get much or any sleep that night
....you find yourself saying “I don’t like what I’ve become”. Find a
support group, or seek professional help. Recognize that your feelings
don’t have to control your actions.
You can be angry that your loved
one is in the grip of this devastating disease. You can be resentful
that you are the one in the family expected to take care of this
person. You can feel guilty because you are angry and resentful, even
though you do love the person. Just remember this is a common
experience no matter your age or relationship. Get help before the
experience changes you into someone you wouldn’t like.
Anger and resentment can cloud
your judgment when it comes to thinking about the expensive path the
patient travels. Do you want to let your loved one’s assets erode,
maybe even slip away, without making an effort to protect their life
savings? When the money is gone, the patient becomes dependent on a
government system that is in the throes of radical change, probably not
for the better. Successful planning for this protection will build your
self-esteem and temper guilt, anger and resentment. |
